Birthing: Smoke and Mirrors

Birth! Need I say more. I watched countless videos on the miracle of birth during my pregnancy. I sat through story after story of close girlfriends describing their beautiful birthing experience thrilled to be able to soon share my own. But when February 25th rolled around and I was still hugely pregnant at 41 weeks, the fog lifted. I was left feeling so discouraged wondering if this was ever going to happen. I ate curry, I bounced on a yoga ball, I drank 3 cups of raspberry leaf tea a day, walked everywhere and nothing. Not a contraction, no broken water, no dilation, zilch. 36 hours after being admitted to our local hospital on that day, I had a feeling that the fairy tale of birth that I had envisioned was an illusion. I imagined this amazing process that I would go through, natural and normal. Yet as I sat in my hospital room I felt violated, cheated! This was my biologic right. I wanted the journey, the story, and yes maybe even the pain. After hearing woman after woman yelling in the birthing room next to mine, I felt like Rachel from Friends: "Don't bring another woman in here. I can't listen to another baby being born if it isn't mine". But after 3 failed attempts at induction, I saw it coming. "You're going to need a c-section" and "We want to make sure this baby is safe and healthy". I balled. Not at the idea of having major abdominal surgery, but at losing the opportunity to experience a natural childbirth. The door was closed and I had to accept it. I remember my husband and sister in law praying with me just before I went in. We prayed for peace and submission and that's exactly what God gave me. When my little Natalie came out on February 26th, 2011, I realized how silly this whole thing was. I put so much pressure on myself for no reason, really. All that mattered to me in that moment was that God had blessed me with a beautiful healthy baby girl.

One day I do hope to experience natural childbirth but if I don't, that's OK. My idea of birth before was all smoke and mirrors, I know that now. I fabricated a fairy tale that was not meant to be. But I learnt something in the alternative. This child of mine is a gift from God and the packaging she was sent in, though rough and unexpected, never mattered.